A profound interference in my life has been regular covert drugging. The most significant is a drug I have called ‘mind blocker’, not knowing its proper name. I thought I had its name, but the flash drive on which I stored that is no longer working, as have many others, including the old floppy disks. The drug starts with a rush – too much energy, too clear and fast, raving mad it would seem. You feel like telling people all about this horrible covert prison you are in. I did however manage to mostly keep it to my self. Then, after a couple of days, that wears off and a state of inertia and not able to think much at all is experienced. Sitting doing nothing works best. Simple tasks can be done but there is not much motivation to do anything other than that. The most basic conversation is difficult and uncomfortable. This lasts for about 5 weeks and then wears off. This occurred regularly from about age 19 to 55. I stopped counting after a while, but roughly 90 doses of that have been endured. It is not that bad an experience in itself, mainly just very isolating. However, the impacts on the whole of life are severe. On several occasions it has been life changing.
For example, attempting to study engineering and being given a dose just before the end of year exam. I hadn’t studied much for it , but I would have given it my best effort. However, I had to walk out after about half an hour as I couldn’t do even the most simple work on it. That was the end of that possible career. Later in life I got through to doing a thesis on urban planning. After doing a lot of research, at the cost of Hobart City Council, I suddenly found that I had that horrible thing in my brain/mind again and had no chance of putting the thesis together. End of that possible career also. Yet again I was attempting to become a cartoonist and not doing too bad at that, with a few people liking my work and getting some in a magazine and the local paper. Yet again I suddenly found I could not think any more in that way. End of that as a serious career as well, although I do still have the business registered and might attempt again some time. But for now I have decided to just do cartoons in voluntary mode.
It is a similar story in intimate relationships. I had decided to be very serious about getting the right one after having done enough hippy style serial monogamy ‘if it feels good, do it’. The first attempt at thinking about it a lot more was looking very good for a long time, but there were difficulties with others not thinking it was a good idea. They might have been right, but most likely we would have gotten together anyway had ‘mind blocker’ not struck again. I didn’t even want to try anymore. That was a long time ago. There have been several other attempts at serious relationship, but always something has gone wrong. For one other it was ‘mind blocker’ also. It would still be possible to do a quick jump into bed, but not to seriously get engaged, it seems. So, as it is for most TIs, it has been a difficult single life.
Towards the end of the ‘mind blocker’ regime, other effects started to appear. Depression at the last stage became overwhelming and I started to look very gaunt, which people kept commenting on. I noticed black rings under my eyes, and a tightening across the forehead, especially when attempting to sustain concentration. Just over 10 years ago they stopped doing that to me. Why is not clear. The only thing I can put it down to is increasing my Spiritual Protection. Whatever, I am now able to function way better than I have been for most of my life. The constant covert attacks have made me angry, but with a little success at getting something done on exposing these covert control methods, that anger has transformed into determination and commitment .